Sometimes I’m downright impressed by what an awesome mom I am. How I’m juggle kids, the husband’s odd work hours, pets, and this move. And sometimes I want to breakdown and cry over my inadequacies, over all the ways I let my children down.
I know that every mother has experienced both of these extremes, but the knowledge of this shared experience doesn’t make it any less painful when you find yourself in the latter situation. Today was a day where, in my eyes, I failed my children one time after another. We all made it to the end of the day in one piece, but other than keeping everyone alive I can’t find anything to be particularly proud of.
To my children I want to say, I love you. I never imagined the magnitude of love that I could feel until the two of you entered my life, and because of that even the THOUGHT of letting you down breaks my heart. It’s inevitable, I know. I’m human and so are you. We’re bound to have off days, and as you get older there will be days where you lose your patience with me. Actually, I’m sure there will be weeks and months (hopefully not years) where you’re convinced your father and I are complete idiots and ruining your lives.
None of that changes the fact that when I became a mother it changed me. I want to be the absolute BEST person I can be for each of you. You inspire me when I feel like quitting, you push me to my limits and then some. Knowing that you are learning from me makes me want to be wise. Knowing that you are following me makes me want to take the high road when it would be more convenient to take the lower one. Even though this is what I aspire to, sometimes I find myself falling short.
Today I failed you. I was impatient, I let myself get flustered, and I was harsh. I can’t promise that I won’t ever be that way again, but I can promise that I will work to be stronger, more adaptable, more patient and compassionate for each of you every single day.
You are my inspiration, you are my purpose, and you are the greatest things I will ever do in this world. I love you tonight and always, far more than you can know until you start the amazing and sometimes bittersweet journey of parenthood for yourselves.
For tonight though, I’ll console myself by sneaking into your rooms to kiss your sweet little faces faces, shedding a few tears, picking myself up, and getting ready to give you my best tomorrow.