Today, we have a very special guest post from the hillarious and talented Jessica from Wit and Spitup .
If you enjoy her post, hop on over and take a look at her other fabulous work!
Birth is nothing like they show in the movies or on TV. Yes, there is screaming and sweating, but other than that what they show looks more like a confusing gynecology appointment
where they hand you a 6 month old baby lightly dipped in jelly.
First of all there is no sheet covering your lady parts. By this time the orderly who delivered your meals has not only seen you on the toilet, but has probably caught a pretty good peep show of your butt. Remember those “breathable” robes they have you wear during your gyno appointments, that’s your attire for the next several days. They only open in the back and going commando is a requirement. I remember being confused because I had packed special granny panties just for the occasion, but apparently they were blocking the only exit route and it most definitely was an emergency, not a drill. This is your orientation into nudity 24/7, so if you were modest before you are quickly cured and now adequately prepared for the boobie festival in your future, if you choose to breastfeed.
You are not swearing at your partner (necessarily). There is no directed blame, just a general panic because this cannot possibly be right. No human is meant to survive this level of pain. Enter the anesthesiologist, aka your new BFF, and from that moment on you are no longer in a scene of Alien Vs. Predator.
No one cares if you poop (and my apologies but you will probably throw up). Whenever I see this as a list of fears from expecting mothers I always laugh out loud. Your world is about to be so incredibly rocked by the shocking amount of bodily functions, some are yours but most come from your child, that a little bit of poop never killed anyone. In fact, if it gets the baby out faster somehow you will wish you had Indian Food as your last supper.
Now that you have read this and scheduled your elective C-Section, I will tell you the good news. Birthing my daughter is the most powerful, incredible thing that I’ve ever done. Post-delivery, you are a superhero because you’ve created life and it’s here in your arms. That feeling stays with you forever and your decision to have more children has nothing to do with what did or did not occur in the delivery room. So first time moms, please turn off Knocked Up, any birthing episode from Friends and the YouTube clip of “Women Gives Birth to a 10 Pound Baby in the Car”, you are about to write your own delivery room drama and it’s got your baby’s name written all over it.